Disclosure

I love my family very much, but they don't really know me. They know I'm married, but they don't know it's an open marriage. They know I love to write, but they don't know that most of it is erotica derived from my own life. They know I go to Burning Man and work for DPW, but they have no idea what kind of debauchery I get into while I'm there. They know I am a burlesque performer, but they don't know that my acts are more dirty than they are pretty, and we have both agreed that they will never watch me perform. And all of this is okay with me. It's my choice to keep them at arms length. But, while my parents and older sister aren't the most free-spirited people, they also aren't uptight religious conservatives. They may not understand or approve of a lot of the things I do if I was more open about it, but I don't believe they would berate or disown me. So, what is my motivation for keeping them in the dark? Honestly, I have no idea. It's just how it is and I haven't seen any reason to change it. But now there's something new in my life. I've been diagnosed with a condition and I'm taking medication. Isn't this something parents would want to know? Only, this isn't something like heart disease or cancer. It's depression. It's a mood disorder. Somehow it feels more personal. Perhaps too personal to bring up in my quarterly chats with my mom. But why? I'm not ashamed of it. I speak openly about it with my friends, and I do feel like I would talk about it with my mom if it was relevant to some conversation we were having. But why does it feel too personal to just bring up on my own? And does it matter? Is this the kind of thing parents should know about their children?

I know that my sister has talked with my mother about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the medication she is taking for it, but I feel that she has a slightly different relationship with my parents than I do. My sister is single and bounces around from job to job and from city to city. Perhaps she hasn't stayed in one place long enough to create the same kind of "chosen family" that I have, and this is why she has developed a closer relationship with our biological family. This is all conjecture, of course. I rarely have a conversation with my sister. Most of what I know about her is stuff my mom tells me. We get along fine when we're together at family functions, but don't seem to feel compelled to create a closer relationship the rest of the time. Again, I'm fine with that. I do sometimes envy the close sibling relationships that some of my friends have, it just isn't something that feels right for me. But what if this is a reason to become closer with my sister? What if sharing our experiences with our similar disorders not only brings us closer together, but provides some real insight? It might, but I feel like I already have that kind of insight from talking with close friends that also suffer from depression. Is it necessary to attempt to change my existing relationship with my sister in order to get/provide more?

I'm realizing as I'm writing this post that the decision I'm most comfortable with is not to disclose. This feels like a part of my personal life that isn't relevant to my family. Until it is. I suppose that if it comes up in conversation or begins to negatively affect my health it is something I will talk to them about. But until then, I think I'll just keep it on a "need to know" basis, as far as my family is concerned. Still, there is a little voice in the back of my head that thinks this is something I should tell them about. I suppose time will tell whether this voice gets louder or just shuts the hell up.