Respect, and Balancing My Demons Within My Relationships

As a rule, relationships - regardless of whether they include a sexual or romantic element - shouldn't be work. Yes, they can go through periods of struggle, and if the relationship is worth it, you work it out. But if a relationship feels like work on a more regular basis, something is wrong. There comes a point where the benefits of having this person in your life no longer outweigh the toll it takes on your self image. That may sound dramatic, but the way people treat us and respond to us does affect how we see ourselves. You may write off a friend who frequently drops plans as a bit flaky, but there is a part of you that wonders why you are not important enough to spend time with. Or maybe you have one of those sexual friendships that run hot and cold without any identifiable triggers, and you assume the person just has a lot going on in their life. But you can't help wondering why you don't deserve the same respect outside of the bedroom that you get in it. And, if you took the sexual element out of the relationship, would the other person come around at all?

Maybe I already have a low self image. I certainly haven't been happy with who I am at several points in my life, and conditions such as depression do cause you to ruminate on the more negative aspects of yourself and your life. A careless act on the part of a friend or loved one can take on more meaning than was intended, especially when compiled with a history of similarly careless or disrespectful behavior. Perhaps a "normal" person can shrug these insignificant moments off, but it's not always that simple for a depressive.

I try so hard not to let other people's behavior affect or bother me. I want to be easygoing and understanding. I know that my depression inflates things, and I don't want my mood disorder to affect my relationships. I don't want my friends to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I want to be an effortless presence in the lives of my friends. I want to be easy. Maybe this is because I want the same kind of people in my life. I spend so much effort fighting myself for respect and value that I don't have much energy left to do the same in my relationships. There are times in my life where that fight is so arduous that I don't have energy left for relationships at all.

There has to be a balance in there somewhere. Respect is the foundation of any relationship, whether it's platonic, sexual, or romantic, and when it's not there it can cause more damage than people realize. I don't want my friends to kowtow to the overreactive nature of my disease, but people should pay more attention to what their actions (or non-actions) say to the people in their lives.

I'll end this post by saying that I know I'm guilty of this behavior. I know I've left people hanging because I didn't feel like saying no. I know I've been careless with my relationships in the past. Hopefully, my recent reflections and struggles will improve my behavior and my relationships. And maybe, after reading this, some of you will take a moment of reflection to improve your own. Or - as in the case of my current struggle - to decide that certain relationships just aren't worth the effort anymore.