Self-Diagnosis

Many of the books and articles I read about depression also address bipolar disorder. Although I have not been diagnosed as bipolar, I read these sections to get a better understanding of a disease that is closely related to mine. Recently, however, I have begun to suspect that the information may apply to me more than I thought. As I've learned more about my disease, I have identified several periods of my youth that were affected by depression. These trips down memory lane have also revealed behavior that could be described as mild manic episodes. Most of these episodes were short-lived, such as a sudden, burning desire to rearrange all of the furniture in my house or staying up for 3 days straight for no reason and without the assistance of any drugs. Others may have been slightly longer, such as a period in my late twenties and early thirties when I became obsessed with filling every free moment in my calendar, often creating parties and events myself just to make sure I always had something to do. These episodes never raised any red flags because they weren't severe enough to be harmful. I usually felt happy and excited about life during them, and was often quite productive. In fact, the feelings of boldness and invincibility that come with these manic episodes may have been responsible for my entry into the world of burlesque. And I got all of this without the more severe symptoms such as paranoia and delusions.

There were some downsides, however. While I can't identify any specific occurrences, I'm quite sure that I did experience some of the irritability and anger that comes with a manic episode. Additionally, experiencing manic episodes - no matter how mild - probably made my lows feel much lower. It can also be very confusing to go from a state of mania - however mild - directly into a state of extreme depression. I believe this may be what happened in my early thirties when, after several years of stuffing my calendar with events, parties, and other social engagements, I began to feel worn out from my busy calendar. I suddenly wanted nothing to do with my social circle, and I wasn't sure why. In my search for an explanation, I nitpicked small reasons for not wanting to be around my friends, and even placed blame on a few individuals that probably didn't deserve it. The confusion of my dramatic change in perspective led to extreme loneliness, pushing me even lower into my depressive episode. 

Of course, all of this may be a little bit of hypochondria. It's common for people reading about a certain disease to believe they have it themselves. Just ask any med student. I also sometimes worry that I attribute too many of life's normal ups and downs to mood disorders, which may prevent me from addressing specific problems. These are all things that a qualified professional could help me hash out, but I am still resisting this method of treatment out of sheer laziness. At the moment, I don't feel that these issues are drastically affecting my life, so I am content to leave them unaddressed while continuing to be aware of them. It may not be the healthiest approach, but it'll do for now.