I keep a fortune taped to my desk that says You will accomplish great things if you start now. It's supposed to be motivating, but lately it does little more than taunt me. In the past week or two I've become increasingly unsatisfied with my life, yet I've lacked the motivation to do anything about it. I stay in bed an extra hour or two in the morning daydreaming about the things I wish were different but as soon as I pull myself out of bed I feel mentally and emotionally drained and want nothing more than to sit on the couch playing video games. I haven't been working out. I've been eating way too much takeout. I don't clean the house as often. I avoid showering if I can. I've even been neglecting to return messages from prospective new clients for my business. I can't concentrate on anything. I've already gotten up to do other "important" things at least 6 times since I started writing this post (did I really need to clean out my ears right now?). Each night I go to bed thinking, tomorrow will be more productive. But it never is.
These feelings of dissatisfaction, the difficulty concentrating, and the lack of motivation are all classic indicators of depression, and things I struggled with every day before I started medication. Actually, I didn't just struggle with them, I was beaten down by them. But this time it feels different. I don't have that heavy fog around me all the time. My eyelids aren't drooping. I don't feel disconnected from the people around me. I don't feel depressed. So what's going on? Is this just the kind of stuff "normal" people struggle with from time to time? Is it a phase? Just a temporary setback? Or am I not giving my depression enough credit? Maybe I don't have to feel like I'm in a fog every time this disease makes its mark. Maybe the fog is just one of many symptoms that could be present at one time. Or maybe I'm giving the disease too much credit. Have I become one of those people that blames all of life's little dips on depression?
I suppose these are things a counselor could help me with, if I were actually bothering to see one. I felt so fantastic after I started my medication that I assumed that would be all I'd need. I don't feel like I have a lot of things in my life I need to work out, so it must have been all about the chemicals and synapses and all of that other brain stuff I don't understand, right? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, a professional could probably help me make sense of which parts of my life are actually in need of attention and which are just being seen through depression-colored glasses. But I'm going to be completely blunt here and admit that I still don't want to go see a counselor. And I don't have a good reason. As a matter of fact, the only actual reason I can come up with is that I hate having things on my calendar that are regular obligations. And that's how counseling always felt to me. It was like going to work. I never actually wanted to go. I just felt like I should go. So, as any adult with strong hedonistic tendencies would do, I stopped going.
Okay, so counseling is out. Now what? A book, maybe? I did start reading a book on depression today. If I can actually concentrate long enough to read a chapter or two every so often it might help. Writing in this blog is helpful, but again there's that whole problem with concentration. A project might give me something to focus on, but how do I decide which of my dozens of silly projects to work on when none of them have any real urgency or immediate benefits? I don't know. My brain is feeling worn out just thinking about it. Maybe I'll figure something out tomorrow...
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