The log

Many of you have probably already seen this log a husband made of the times his wife turned down sex, but I'm a little behind on my internet gossip so I'm just now learning of it. I want to laugh, but, unfortunately, it hits too close to home.

I'll never forget that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach the day my (now) ex showed me the log he had been making of all of the times I'd changed or cancelled plans with him. I was speechless. I wanted to throw up. What kind of person secretly logs his girlfriend's activity? And what good could these logs possibly do? This wasn't the kind of thing that would be used to have a rational discussion about a problem in the relationship. This log was nothing more than ammunition that was meant to be hurled at me to win an argument and crush any amount of self worth I had left (and, by this time, I had very little).

You're a terrible person, and I have the data to back it up. 

Long after this relationship was over, I found out that - like the husband in the article - he was also logging the instances in which I turned down sex. And, while both men used their logs in vicious, unproductive ways, I will say that the husband's log at least had the potential to be a valuable tool in resolving an ongoing problem due to one additional column that my ex's logs lacked: Excuses.

Putting the negative connotations of the word aside, the Excuses column in the angry husband's log could have been used to identify any patterns that may have indicated a larger problem. Had my ex made any attempt to note or understand the reasons I was canceling plans or turning down sex, we may have caught my depression much sooner. Seeing the number of times I opted to stay home because I was tired, not feeling well, or just generally feeling antisocial would have raised some red flags that we could have explored further. Additionally, if his logs shown that my disinterest in sex was less of an attack on him and more about my complete lack of sex drive, we would have had more clues that I was not okay. But the circumstances behind these incidents was of no interest to him because they did nothing to help him gain power over me. He didn't care what was happening to me or why, he only cared about the way it was affecting him.

I'm not blaming my ex for my depression, but I do believe that his self-centered approach to the symptoms was a major contributor to the severity of it, as well as the suicide attempt that followed. He wasn't the only person that didn't notice what was happening to me - there were other people equally as close to me at the time that never made an attempt to dig deeper into the drastic changes in my behavior and general well-being. But at least those people didn't morph them into self-indulgent crimes committed against the people I care about. It was this cycle of shame and guilt that eventually led me to a place that I hope to never reach again. It was a heartbreakingly lonely place,  where I felt the world would be a better place without a wretched, uncaring person like me in it. And it almost killed me.

So, after we've laughed and snickered over the absurd acts of these spiteful and unhappy men, let's take the time to learn a lesson. Let's promise to stop collecting ammunition and to take a deeper look into the problems in our relationships. Let's vow to make more of an effort to understand why our loved ones have lost their spark. It can be difficult to see past the way the actions of our loved ones affect us, but sometimes it's the only chance someone may have at getting help. I know from experience how difficult it is to break out of the fog long enough to ask for it. Actually, it's not just difficult. At times it was absolutely impossible. So, wit this in mind, know that just a little bit of extra effort on the part of a caring loved one can be the key to ending the darkness, and it may even save a life.