Where did it go?

"But, where can this relationship go?"

This is the question many of my previously monogamous partners get when they start dating me. "She's married, where can it go?" I find this question both insulting and ignorant. It is insulting because I feel like the implication is that I am wasting my partner's time and holding him or her back from finding something that will truly make them happy. Quite the contrary, actually. When I take the risk of dating someone I know to be monogamous, I encourage that person to enjoy the time we have together while continuing to be open to meeting someone who shares their relationship goals. And when I see that possibility on the horizon I do my best not to stand in its way. I find the question ignorant because it implies that there is no value to short term relationships. It suggests that any romantic relationship should have some kind of goal (usually marriage) and if that goal is not met it is a failure. I think people who view relationships this way are missing out and devaluing the beauty and benefits of human relationships in general.

We knew from the very beginning that this relationship would end. We are so different in so many ways. The two biggest differences are our locations (he in Oakland, me in Seattle) and our relationship orientations. He is monogamous. And not just by default because of societal norms. In his heart he truly wants to be with only one woman, and wants her to only be with him. I, of course, am nonmonogamous. Not the kind of nonmonogamous that dates several people until I find that one person that will make me want to "settle down," but truly, deeply nonmonogamous. I am happiest when I am free to love (and, yes, have sex with) as many people as I choose. Neither of us was going to change, nor should we have tried. We are both happy with who we are and, even though it didn't make a lot of sense on paper, we were very happy together.

"But, where can this relationship go," his friends would ask him. Well, why did it need to go anywhere if it made us happy? Wasn't that enough? We spent an entire year making each other happy through phone chats, XBOX gaming dates, and monthly weekend trips. Should we have denied ourselves all of these beautiful, enriching moments simply because the relationship couldn't "go anywhere"?

Well, guess what? It did go somewhere. It went into our hearts. It went into our memories. Now that he has moved on, I will cherish the time we had together and continue to enjoy the deep friendship that we formed during that time. Yes, there are things I will miss and that does make me a little sad, but I am truly happy for him and wish him the best.  This is not an ending, but simply a new chapter in our relationship, and I look forward to watching it play out with the same aimless approach that I took to our romantic relationship. There will be no pressure to change it, and there will be no goals. There will only be good times, love, and happiness, and I can't think of any better place for this relationship to have gone.