Why I don't keep a mood journal

One of the most common pieces of advice I hear for dealing with depression is to keep a daily mood journal. Mood journals (or diaries) are supposed to help you keep track of your mood changes and how they relate to what's going on in your life. It can help you find patterns that will allow you to make changes that may help keep your depressive episodes to a minimum. At the very least, it can help you understand your moods and your disorder better. Sounds like a really helpful therapeutic tool, doesn't it? I'm sure it is, but I won't do it.

Much like my aversion to therapy, my decision not to keep a mood journal is mostly another example of my stubbornness and unwillingness to face my disorder head-on. Yes, I acknowledge that I'm depressed and possibly even bipolar. Yes, I take my medication every day. Yes, I write about things related to my illness. Yes, I identify my depressive episodes and try to let my loved ones know that it's not them, it's me. But to make time every day to describe and analyze my mood is just too much. When I'm not having a depressive episode, I want to allow myself to pretend that I'm not sick.  I don't want to deal with my depression. I don't want to acknowledge it. And I sure as hell don't want to write about it. I don't want to live my life thinking, "today is a good day because I'm not depressed." I want to live my life thinking, "I've made a good life for myself. I love my life." Period. I want to consider my good days the "normal" ones and only think about my depression when I'm in the thick of it. The bottom line: I don't want to live my life as a Depressed Person. I want to life my life as a Person, who happens to suffer from depression.

I understand that some people don't have the luxury of ignoring their depression. I feel very fortunate that medication has worked so well for me and that my depressive episodes are now few and far between. I don't know if it will always be this way, but I am determined to take advantage of the benefits while they last. It may not be the best long-term approach to dealing with my illness, but it helps me feel normal, and isn't that all we want? To feel like everyone else? So, today I am not having a Good Day. I am having a Normal Day, and it's fantastic.